This week something happened that shook me, and my peace left me. Actually, it has been months now, and I will avoid details. I can only say that, not very long ago, I had some peace and hope. Then it went. Then it returned. Right now, it's apparently on holiday again.
A week ago, I had peace, clarity, and gratitude. Right now I feel small, foolish, and insignificant. I'm angry, hurt, and disappointed.
This vicious cycle to and away from peace is never ending, it seems? Right? (Please tell me I'm right... Of course I'm right...)
Why do we do this to ourselves? Why is it so difficult to find peace and keep it? Isn't that supposed to be the greatest bi-product of faith?
Or maybe I need to renew my faith.
Not many weeks ago, in Gospel Doctrine, we discussed Paul's invitation to reconcile ourselves to God. In Paul's words, "Now then we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God did beseech you by us: we pray you in Christ’s stead, be ye reconciled to God." (2 Corinthians 5:20)
This phrase: "be ye reconciled to God." What is that? How do you do it?
I guess I have two personal interpretations of the phrase.
The first is to align yourself with what God wants for you. The second is to align your life so that it follows God's pattern. You could say they go hand in hand together.
Let's talk about the first, though. What if you're not always okay with what God wants for you? What if you are sometimes angry about the path He put you on? What if you sometimes want to give God a few choice words about your failings and shortcomings, your disappointments and weaknesses? What if you repeatedly struggle with resentment about the potential you were never able to tap, possibilities never fulfilled, not even by an inch?
That's one of the times when I find it difficult to reconcile myself to God. And yet it feels like I have to make peace with God's plan before I can change so that I'm following God's pattern.
Okay, wait. Let me see if I understand this. To follow God's pattern, you have to make peace with His plan. Is that right?
Actually, no, it isn't. That's not right. I think the answer is actually the reverse. To make peace with God's plan, you must embrace His pattern?
So if, say, you are struggling over a wound you have from sin, abuse by others, or disappointment, the answer may be repentance or simply choosing God and obedience?
I think I know an illustration of this, though I may be reaching. I have thought in recent months about addiction, sin, and the vicious cycle of self-loathing. It began when a friend opened up to me about a difficult addiction this person was dealing with.
I didn't know what to say when we hit that point in the conversation. I was not repulsed. I understood better than they knew. I felt love and empathy. I was humbled, though, because it felt like if only I could convince this person how much God loves them, they might feel inspired to repent and get clean. But how could I do that?
Then I had an "a-ha" moment many hours after the conversation was over. It wasn't about coming to believe in God's love that could empower one to change. It's about aligning ourselves spiritually - not intellectually pondering and considering, but actually making a real change - and then we come to know God's love for us.
I don't know how perfect this formula is, but let me give an example. In 12-Step recovery programs, you can meet some really healthy people who have been in recovery for awhile. The first thing they had to do - often years before - however, was abstain from their addictive behavior. This is a real action someone can take. They don't say in the meetings, "Come to the meetings until you feel happy and lose the desire to use." They say, "Get clean now and come to the meetings, and eventually you'll find clarity, enlightenment, and peace."
Clarity, enlightenment, and peace. Those don't come to using addicts. You have to get clean first. The addictive behaviors don't let you see clearly. They don't let you find enlightenment. They don't give you peace. As long as your addiction is poisoning you, you can't even feel these things let alone receive and embrace them.
So the addict must choose to abstain one day at a time. (Sometimes one minute or hour at a time.) Then the addict keeps going to meetings, reads books, gets a sponsor, learns to pray, and follows the steps. Through time, she finds clarity, enlightenment, and peace.
Can this pattern work when dealing with anger and resentment over life's wounds and disappointments? Is the anger like poison that clouds your mind and body? Will it not go until you change your behavior? To become enlightened... no, to become reconciled to God, do you have to follow His pattern and His path first?
I will experiment on this. In my deepest anger, I'm tempted to give God a piece of my mind and scream out, "Why did you do this to me? Why did you set me on this path when you knew that I'd struggle again and again with feelings of loss and inadequacy? Why do you continue to let me feel beat down and small like this? Do you really love me?"
Doesn't help.
I'll try something else:
I'll go where you want me to go.
I'll say what you want me to say.
I'll be what you want me to be.
Then I see where I am, how blessed I am, and how much possibility there is for change, growth, clarity.
I choose the latter.
