Like many people, I feel I can trace the start of my conversion back to one particular experience. For me, it was a conversation in my junior year, about a month or so after befriending Anne.
Anne loved sharing her beliefs with people. I think that at one point she wanted badly to go on a mission. She didn't serve a mission, but she invited many people to church and had many friends who joined the church under her influence.
One Friday evening (probably one of the few when she didn't have a date), Anne decided to call me. We probably started with Brett stories, but before long with were discussing religion. For years, I had thought that reincarnation made some sense. I had often felt as a child that I that there was something long before that I was remembering/forgetting. (There is no logic in that statement.) I just knew I had been somewhere and had a different experience before I was a little girl growing up in the Eastern United States.
I had learned a tiny bit about reincarnation in relation to the Hindus. So I declared to Anne something like, "I like the Hindu religion that believes that you are reincarnated again and again as a higher form each time depending on how you live your life." I have no idea if that's a correct understanding, but I felt pretty confident saying it at the time.
Now in the next moment, Anne was reaching. But here was her response:
"Actually, in the LDS church we believe similar things. We actually believe in levels in heaven. There are three kingdoms in heaven, and, depending on how you live, in the next life you either go to the Telestial, Terrestrial, or Celestial kingdom."
This is an obscure, unique LDS doctrine that may offend half of the Christians who hear it. Yet, as she named the kingdoms, something inside of me said, "That's true."
I often second-guess this part. Did I really say what I remember saying? Was this a response that I fabricated or embellished? I don't know. I just know that what came out of my mouth next astonished both her and me.
What I remember saying was something kind of like this:
"I believe you. I believe that's true. What you just said is true."
I hesitate to ask Anne today if that's what I said. Ironically, she is no longer in the church. She probably wouldn't remember it. I just know that that was the first of many times I told either Anne or the missionaries that I believed what they were teaching me.
Over the next several weeks of attending church with Anne and her family, going to youth activities, meeting with the missionaries, and reading the Book of Mormon and praying, I had a sense again and again of remembering something. There was a steady, "Aha...yes...now I get it...Of course." It was undeniable.
I had had awakenings in my life before that - well, one big awakening, which I'm happy to share in the future. (Remember, we're being authentic...) But this awakening was different. It was like someone had changed the filter on an expensive camera. I was no longer looking at life through blue tones. There was so much more light.
Admittedly, in the 25 years since that time, I have still had periods of darkness and angst. (The church has not finished inventing the magic "fix-it-all" pill that I've been patiently waiting for.) I do not always feel the Holy Ghost. I don't make perfect choices, and I sometimes simply shut him out. My depression and anxiety is, at times, a barrier.
I will not forget that awakening, though. For the first time in my life, I stopped seeing myself as an emotionally and spiritually scarred person with a big nose whose only worthwhile contribution to the world was a pretty singing voice. I began to see myself as a daughter of God, known, valued, and loved by Him. I could be somebody.
I had yet to learn that I could be there for anybody else, but this was still a good start for me.
I was baptized on December 22, 1990 at the age of 16.
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