Today this expression kept floating through my mind: The Shift. (Some of you might have thought I was going to say, "The Swearing Mormon?" But I'll get to that later.)
Some call it "a mighty change of heart," but what on earth does it mean?
I guess that's a weird way to start this blogpost, but I had an interesting exchange yesterday with a young woman that brought this concept to my mind. Since then, it has been just wafting through my brain.
It began with confessions a number of us were making about our youths while prepping for a show. As I shared that my first "real" kiss was from a stranger on the beach when I was 13, I blurted out something to the effect that I was "an anorexic teen drinking a wine cooler after a long day on the beach." (The nerdy story, BTW, is evidence that underage drinking often leads to silly behavior.) I continued on, and awhile later, our 16 year old cast mate pulled me aside. "Do you mind if I ask? Were you really anorexic?" As a dancer, she had known a number of anorexic women.
Then I had to own that, aside from a brief chapter in my life when I would eat one meal a day (usually a biggish meal) and then chew diet gum the rest of the time, the answer was no. It was a bit of an exaggeration. I was never truly anorexic and/or not long enough to negatively impact my physical health. I had other unhealthy habits, but not that one in earnest.
Still, she continued, I clearly had a rough spot in my life. Yes, I did - rougher than some, smoother than others. It is one reason I am so drawn to teenagers. I feel deep empathy for them in the crazy season of life they are traveling through. Even when I'm lecturing them in my high school performing class to be more professional, get some sleep, learn their lines, etc., I can feel their young adult hormone/over-scheduled/tough social environment-induced anxiety radiating off of them. If it wasn't a high school, I'd hug them regularly.
We then talked about the change that came to me when I joined the church, and it was humbling. I was so grateful for how my life had changed, and yet I wished I was doing better.
Before recovery and the church, I was in survival mode. It was not street survival. There was sufficient food, clothing, and shelter, but there was little sense of security and purpose. I view myself as pitiful and was subject to my fears and my cravings. Then I started to learn about Christ and a better life, and I had a Shift in how I viewed life and myself. There was meaning in the difficult experiences. I had potential for a good future. There was Light after the Darkness. This was the "mighty change of heart" as described in the Book of Mormon.
Yet, sometimes I shift backwards and revert to older views of myself. I stop seeing myself as a divine daughter of God with purpose and light. I see my cravings, my fears, my frustrations, and my weaknesses. How is this possible at 41, a mission, a degree, a glass slipper, a prince, a castle, and 4 mice later?
This brings me to the "swearing Mormon" part of the title. I think that's part of my shift that I continue to struggle with. I've held on to that little bit of dark and still find some unhealthy comfort in expressing my frustration through strong language. It's foolish, I know. I'm just neglecting the better part of the English language when I revert to base talk.
Hence the conversion continues, and the fight to Shift over is real. Who will I see myself as today, and how will it affect me? While it goes hand in hand with action - we often see ourselves in a better light when we are making healthier choices - it is so much about our view of ourselves that will either motivate or sabotage us.
It's like the people of Ammon from the Book of Mormon, whose conversion to Christianity transformed them from bloodthirsty warriors to a people willing to prostrate themselves before a hostile enemy in order to avoid taking up their weapons again. The tragic inverse may be the bishopric member who stops seeing his potential, gives up on his family and spiritual well-being, and breaks the law or cheats on his spouse (or both).
The good news is: Repentance. Is this the shift we must continue to make? We come to know what we know, and then we see ourselves through His eyes. As we shift our view, we have the courage to change our actions (or our words perhaps)?
Trying today to Shift in the right direction ...
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