I have a confession, one in a similar spirit to many of my blog posts.
Sometimes I want to punch people, or at least I want to run as far away from them as possible.
This is more figurative than literal - sort of. But I'll explain.
I am, as most of you know, a believer, a wife and mom, and an artist.
The artistic world I live in is full of extremely talented people, some who've really "been someone" others who are "going to be someone." There are the few who "are someone" right now, and yet more who "could've been someone."
I am one of the "could've beens." (Aren't we all, really? I mean, at least in Utah we are...)
For reasons that only we Coulda Beens know (and sometimes we need reminders), we chose to stay where we currently are and make our lives here, at least for now. The reasons were/are good, and made/make sense to us.
(Raise your hand if you're one of these people, BTW.)
Now I will tell you that on my best days, I am filled with gratitude. I mean, I honestly have a beautiful life, one much richer than what I had once hoped for myself. I have it all, so to speak - a great husband, great kids, great friends, great home, great creative opportunities with tons of truly great artists. I am SO blessed. My husband and I are humbled and grateful, and we try to be thoughtful about how we live our lives. I know we could do more.
My husband has made and continues to make many sacrifices for our family, and I'm terribly proud of him. The children and I are very secure in his love (maybe too secure at times, almost taking him for granted).
I've made some sacrifices too, and I assure you none of them were forced upon me. Every choice was inspired. Every child was inspired. I hope that, despite my personal struggles, my children and husband also feel secure in my love. I'm working on it.
But sometimes...
Sometimes... I'm screaming inside my head. (I swear I've said this before...) I look at my acquaintances who "were someone" or "are someone", and I turn the ugliest shade of green. And I'm screaming. Sometimes it's not even inside my head. It's out loud.
(Wow, I'm really confessing a lot here. Someone else needs to hear this, I think. Or I need to own it.)
Once upon a time, a promising path of opportunities was before me. Triumphs occurred. Disappointments occurred with lessons learned. Hope for more triumph. Words of encouragement came from people whose opinion I valued greatly. Ambition and a love for the journey burned in my belly. I'm not pretending it was this inevitable stardom or anything like that, but there was hope for success.
In some cases, phone calls were received with offers to which I responded with an enthusiastic "yes!" Eventually, things changed, and the answer was more often an unfortunate but necessary "no." Doors began to close, at least for a season. They were the right decisions at the time, I know it.
There is, however, a bizarre phenomenon often referred to as a "mid-life crisis," and I'm smack dab in the middle of one. I never quite understood what one was before, but I'm assuming that what I'm experiencing right now is it.
Questions. Regrets. What ifs. Oh my goodness, the frustration that floods you when those questions, regrets, and what ifs come! Frustration cascading down, followed by deep shame.
No one can have it all and especially not right now. All will have to sacrifice something for a season, or possibly forever (please, no, not forever), in order to have something else (hopefully something even better). And in choosing one thing, the other thing has to wait.
Okay, so here's the pet peeve: Despite the fact that I believe everything I just said, and despite the fact that I live in a culture that overwhelmingly shares my values, I regularly face reminders that I never "was someone." It is never in the form of "too bad you didn't do this." Rather it is consistent reminders of "look how amazing this person is, because they did it!" or "They're doing it!"
It's so strange how our culture of believers openly agree that spiritual and family pursuits take precedence over worldly pursuits, and yet we are constantly heralding the big achievers of worldly pursuits. I mean, of course we should! It's amazing what people are accomplishing. I'm brimming with pride over them when I'm not crying in my pillow wishing I was in their shoes. I want them to succeed. They deserve it.
This is a real thing, though. Books have been written by people in my culture about how they were on the brink of huge success, and then they chose this other more spiritual thing. And then we celebrated that person to the hilt. They still became celebrities. Others have done some pretty cool things, and that was all anyone needed to know. Golden standard met! Doors wide open.
It's at such moments where I feel like punching or running or just crying.
(Do you see how petty I'm being here? I mean, this is like EPIC pettiness. And at my age! Sheesh!)
Ouch! I struggle with it. In one case, I was in an environment where the reminders were so consistent that I finally chose to run as fast and as far away as possible. I was barely making peace with my own path, and then every week or so, I'd get another, "Yay! Check out that amazing person who has done such cool things!" or "Aren't I pretty great, because I've done some cool things." And then my peace would shatter. It wasn't real in the first place, I guess.
Well. That was a load off. Please don't judge me, I'm really trying here.
So where am I going with this?
I have no idea whatsoever. Sorry. I've got nothing.
I guess there is one thing I have. I have a house full of people with blond hair and brown/hazel eyes who make my heart ache with love, whom I can't imagine life without, and who not only deserve to be loved by me but who also need me. (Poor weirdos!)
That's really it.
Okay, I guess I have something else. Somewhere, tucked back in my memory are moments of clear, undeniable inspiration. "Go here." "It's time for this." "One more." "That can wait."
"You still matter."
I MUST dig in deep and find those moments again. I must plead with the Life Force - that Life Force that not only led me down this path but has also rescued me from more than one black hole. I must know why? How? What's next?
There are some regrets in life which could dwarf all other regrets. A tall, white haired man once echoed the sentiment in the following words: "No other success can compensate..." Well, you can look it up.
I guess that's it. That's my path right now - to remember when someone spoke peace to my mind concerning a matter, and to find that peace again, no matter what is going on around me that might shake it.
In the meantime, while questions loom of "what's my path, and what's my next step?" I must not forget the clarity of this call: Love them. Now.
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