The "Fake" Mormon

I want to interrupt this narrative to state an observation.  Latter-Day Saints walk a tightrope when it comes to openness about trials and personal weaknesses versus rejoicing about the goodness of the gospel.

I have heard so many times (and used to often say myself) that many Mormons are "fake."  What does that mean, though?

We all want to focus on the happiness that a covenant life can bring.  Who wants to join and stay in a church if it won't help us become happier?

Yet, life is hard.  It's just meant to be so, and there are so many kinds of hard.  We all have huge trials and weakness.  It's a key element in mortality.

In fact, if you watch any General Conference, you will notice that practically every talk is about how hard life is and how the gospel is one of the only things that can help you through the difficulty.

The truth is, Latter Day Saints have opportunities to strengthen one another we they open up, acknowledge the difficulties of life, and reassure each other through the sharing of these things.  That raises a question:  When is one focusing too much on the negative?  When should Sadness step aside and let Joy take care of things?

So, back to my first point:  Tightrope.

Going further with the title of this post:  The Fake Mormon.  There are the pitfalls within the church and church culture that often cancels out the positive effects of the church for some people.

While teaching a lesson in church, I often like to say "Let's have an anarchy moment and list the bad stuff."  Then I just have my class call stuff out to me while I list it quickly on the board.

So here's an anarchy moment.

Some ugly trends amongst Mormons that can and have run people out of the church:

• social politics or misunderstandings between members
• having what feels like too much responsibility thrown onto your plate in the form of callings
• feeling like you never fit in because of emotional struggles, personal trials, or past sins
• the constant reminders of more good things we should try to fit into our lives when we already have plenty to deal with
• members comparing themselves to others who seem to have it all together
• confusion over doctrines, principles, policies
• bishops or other leaders who say or do dumb things - it happens sometimes, no excuses
• hypocrisy

Let's pause for a second on that one. "Hypocrisy" - what does that mean?

I think sometimes we see a form of soft - very soft - hypocrisy when people try to hide their weaknesses, like a chaotic home environment or a struggling child.  But that's hardly hypocrisy.  Those are people who are afraid of judgment or who don't feel comfortable opening up about trials and struggles.  While it might be unfortunate, it doesn't really qualify as hypocrisy.

I think the most damaging, real hypocrisy is when someone seems to be living true to their covenants, often in a public manner, and then it turns out they have a big, ugly, deep, dark secret, like an affair or something illegal.

I'm going to refrain from judgment on those cases, because it must really suck.  Still, it's probably pretty reasonable to call that hypocrisy.

The question I want to ask myself and others about hypocrisy within the church is this:  Why should we ever let someone else's pain and anguish caused by their living a lie be an excuse for us to run away from something that can heal us?

A little more anarchy (and a zinger or two):

inequality between the sexes (less common than many claim; in my opinion, not driven by church doctrine or policy;  but, yes, it happens)

prejudice or perceived prejudice amongst members against LGBT individuals

icky or confusing church history stuff

I've probably hit enough things.

Let's just say, the church isn't perfect.  Sorry, no - it's not.  The gospel is true and whole and the most amazing thing in the world, and the church is incredible and changes lives every day.  But the church continues to grow and evolve through time.  No perfect people,  and no perfect way to deal with life in the church.

So how far do we go in our effort to be authentic?  How much and how often do we open up about the hard stuff?  What's the difference between complaining and reaching out for help?  Are the ones who cross-stitch, can fruits, quilt, have awesome household routines, well dressed children, and a garden but face trials like cancer not as "real" as the physically healthy girl with bipolar disorder?

I have no answers, just questions.  And a suggestion.

Let's just assume we don't understand each other enough.  Therefore we aren't allowed to compare ourselves, because we have no idea to what we're really comparing ourselves.

We aren't allowed to be hurt by what someone says, because we can't know exactly what they were thinking or meant when they said something.

If someone seems perfect, then they aren't ready to share their trial, or maybe they don't feel their trial is relevant.

If people make mistakes that shock us, let's assume they are suffering enough, so we don't have to suffer with them.  (Mourn with, yes, but not suffer with.)

In other words, we aren't allowed to let anyone in the church make us turn our backs on the spiritual experiences that have either brought us to or kept us in the church.

Maybe this is what it means to be an authentic Mormon?  To be true to what we know or believe - no excuses.

While we chew on these questions, I'll return to my personal narrative in my next post.